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2 The Sun, Wednesday, August 3, 2011
PINION
Along These Lines
An i.nterview
with Noah
By Nick Tomas
Guest Columnist
Charles Darwin meets Noah in heaven. Naturally, the
curious biologist has some questions for the world's most
famous seafaring zookeeper. Along these lines, here is a
transcript oftbeir conversation!
Darwin: There's not a lot of information on your
family background in the Book of Genesis, which most
scholars speculate was either authored or compiled by
Moses. For instance, there is no mention of your wife's
name.
Noah: Yes, I'm afraid old Moses was a bit of a chau-
vinist. He mentioned me, my sons, my dad and grandpa
by name, but not my wife. Her name was actually Betty
Rosenberg. My dad was Lamech Goldstein, of the
Goldstein clan from the Tigris area. They managed an
apple orchard that had been in the family for genera-
tions. My granddad was well-known in the region and
lived to a ripe old age. Heck, we used to kid around
with him and say he was as old as Methuselah! That
always made the old boy chuckle. I was the first in my
family to take an interest in marine vessel construc-
tion.
Darwin: Why do you think you were selected to build
the ark?
Noah: Well, I had a good pair of"sea legs," and never
got seasick fishing out on the Tigris. I was also very fond
of animals. In fact, I was president of the local Eions Club
for nearly thirty years. So when the Boss upstairs was
looking for someone to head up the ARC--the Animal
Rescue Committee/is we called it --He asked me to be
chairman and I was pleased to accept. After that, my family
always referred to the project as Noah's ARC.
Darwin: ARC? But historically it has always been
spelled "ark."
Noah: Yeah, I know. Moses was also a terrible speller.
Darwin: According to the account in Genesis, it took
you more than 100 years to build the ark. What took you
so long?
Noah: Hey, give me a break, Chuck! After all, I was
more than 500 hundred years old at the time. I just couldn't
pound those nails as fast as I could when I was a spry
200!
Darwin: Where on earth did you find all the nails and
lumber to build the ark?
Noah: Well, my cousin - Ace Goldberg - owned a chain
of hardware stores across the Mediterranean Basin. He
was able to get me a real good deal on 20,000 square
cubits of cypress.
Darwin: As a biologist, I often wondered about ani-
mal species back in your time. Obviously, some animals
were mythical, like unicorns ......
Noah: Hang on now Charlie, they were real! Lovely
creatures, too, and very gentle. But those horns were
an accident waiting to happen. In fact, none of the ani-
mals standing in line to board the ark wanted the uni-
corns behind them. So the poor guys kept getting
pushed back to the end of the line. As I recall, it was
the rhinos that started the shoving - they always had a
terrible inferiority complex around the unicorns. Any-
way, the unicorns finally got tired of being pushed
around, so they stomped offhome to collect some more
luggage. Unfortunately, by the time they retumed, the
boat had left.
Darwin: Well perhaps you can shed light on one of
the great historical animal mysteries of the planet. What
really happened to the dinosaurs? Did they become ex-
tinct due to ancient climate changes, were they out evolved
by mammals, or was it the giant asteroid theory?
Noah: Ahh yes, in fact, my wife was actually to
;blame for that little incident. When Betty saw the two
i T-Rexs approaching the boat, she blocked the entrance
• and scolded me saying, "Noah Goldstein, I am not
having those messy T-Rexs aboard my boat. Do you
know how much dino-dung they will produce in 40
days? I'll not be cleaning up that mess. I'm sorry, ei-
ther the T-Rexs stay behind, or I will!" Well, naturally
I had to send the T-Rexs away. They were very disap-
pointed.
Darwin: But what about the thousands of other dino-
saur species? Why didn't they make it on to the ark?
Noah: Well, they were really ticked off when they
heard what happened. In fact, they boycotted the ark in
solidarity with the T-Rexs and refused to come on board.
They immediately filed a class action lawsuit against
• us, claiming that we were guilty of species profiling.
i Well, we were due in court on the following Monday
:moming, but it was miserable weather, so the family
: stayed home in the ark. Just as well, really, it poured the
:whole day.
Letters to The Sun
The Sun
-0£ 493-940
Obituaries
Clinton Vining
EDITOR and PUBLISHER
POSTAL NOTICE: Published weekly by The Sun, 136 E. Main
Street, Sheridan, OR 97378. Periodicals postage paid at
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POSTMASTER: Send address changes to The Sun, RO. Box
68, Sheridan, OR. 97378.
27
EAI
Local food bank
thanks church,
First Federal
To the Editor:
Wow! The generosity for
the local food bank in the past
month has been overwhelming.
First, we want to thank
Trinity Lutheran Church and
Thrivent Financial for
Lutherans, a fraternal benefit
organization, for donating more
than $3,000. This was money
was raised at the Sheridan Days
pancake feed in June plus
matching funds from Thrivent.
Second, we are very grate-
ful for the $2,000 donation
from First Federal Savings and
Loan recently.
These two cash contnoutions
will help us continue to supply
food for needy individuals and
families living in Sheridan, Wd-
lamina and Grand Ronde. Last
month we filled more than 550
food boxes that helped more
than 700 local residents.
The number of people com-
ing into the food bank contin-
ues to grow because of the poor
economy. We are doing all we
can to keep our operating costs
to a minimum. That's why we
reduced our hours of operation
recently.
Most of the work at the food
bank is done by local volun-
teers. We operate with only one
part-time paid staff person.
During the summer months
we are accepting donations of
produce from area gardens. We
also are accepting donations of
food and cash.
Finally, we'd also like to
thank Stuck Electric for continu-
ing to donate the office space for
the food bank on South Bridge
Street in Sheridan.
George Robertson
Vice-president
West Valley Community Services
Smelly report
appreciated
To the Editor:
Thank you to the two ladies
who told us they smelled
"sewer" gas outside their
homes when they were out
walking their dogs. They were
reluctant to mention it to us but
we are glad they did. When the
City workers checked the
sewer line in that area, they
found a serious clog. We were
able to clear it that day, which
was a Friday. Most importantly,
Online Poll
Should Riverbend Landfill be
allowed to expand?
Vote online at SheridanSun.com
had they not informed us, sew-
age would have backed up into
several homes near the clogged
trea. Thank you for telling us
tbout this and please let us
mow of any other concerns so
ve can address them before
hey become serious problems.
Kie Cottam
Public Works,
City of Sheridan
Come together
To the Editor:
Why do the county commis-
sioners and planning depart-
ment work so hard on behalf
of Waste Management Inc?
Why would they work so hard
against the farmers, vintners,
and agricultural heritage that
make this county what it is to-
day? Is it really just because
Waste Management Inc. wants
what it wants and has unlim-
ited money to buy whatever it
wants, including the law?
That seems to be the case.
Last year the courts ruled
against their original expansion
plan and then again after ap-
peal. The amendment currently
being considered is no more
than an end run around two
solid defeats. And if approved,
Waste Management will be
able to expand on an even
greater scale than their last pro-
posal. Commissioners George
and Lewis will make the final
decision just as before.
We don't know what crite-
ria will be used to make their
decision. Property rights would
probably be the main argument
in favor, always heralded by so-
called conservatives. But can a
society operate functionally by
simply allowing the property
owner to do whatever he, she
or it wants? I suggest that if
Property Rights is the only cri-
teria considered to guide the
decisions of a society, then only
chaos will result. That, if Prop-
erty Rights are SACRED then
only should they be considered
so as part of a larger package:
1) PRIVATE PROP-
ERTY;
2) RESPONSIBILITY
FOR YOUR ACTIONS; and
3) NO HARM TO
OTHERS.
Taken TOGETHER these
standards recognize that we are
a society made up of many dif-
ferent parts and that no one en-
tity or individual can force
themselves, their beliefs or their
actions on anyone else. These
are the guidelines elected offi-
cials should fight for NOT
lower operational costs for par-
ticular businesses or industries.
If these guidelines became the
basis for making decisions that
affect the community as a whole,
then contentious and bitter debate
might diminish. Under this para-
digm citizens and businesses
alike would be better able to pre-
dict outcomes. As it stands now,
no one knows why Commission-
ers George and Lewis vote the
way they do and they are not
obligated to offer any explana-
tions. The endless battling is in-
dicative of the dysfunctional pro-
cess we're now in and it's a great
waste of everyone's limited time
and scarce resources. Is there
anyone from the right or left who
could LOGICALLY oppose the
use of this three-part standard to
guide our elected official's deci-
sion-making process? I'd love to
hear about it! But, I'd also urge
you to call our Commissioners
and ask them to incorporate these
guidelines when they make the
decision to support or oppose the
proposed amendment enabling
the expansion of Waste
Management's dump.
Larry Treadwell
Sheridan
Commissioners
helping build a
monopoly
Letter to the Editor:
According to Waste Man-
agement VP Paul Bums' letter
to the editor (The Sun, July 13)
there will always be a need for
landfills. Why? Because as
"green" technologies remove
more organic, recyclable, and
reusable material out of the
waste stream, landfills are
needed to dump the remaining
residue, the "worst of the
worst", the "dregs", from the
waste stream. These materials
cannot be disposed of any in
other way so they go to land-
Alice Virginia
Calkins
March 27, 1909-July 28, 2011
Alice Virginia Calkins died
on July 28, 2011 at the Life
Care Center, McMinnville at
the age of 102.
Alice was born on March
27, 1909 in Boise, Idaho, the
daughter of Charles W. and
Elsie Orr Morris. She gradu-
ated from High School in
Pendleton, Ore. where she
lived until moving to Sheri-
dan, Ore. in 1937. Alice mar-
ried Ivan Calkins on August
7, 1945 in Sheridan. She
owned and operated Valley
Cleaning and Laundry for
many years. She was a mem-
ber of the Rebekah Lodge
#162 and served as Noble
Grand. She also volunteered
at Sheridan Food Center (be-
fore Meals On Wheels) at the
American Legion Hall.
She is survived by her son
Robert (Linda) Voytilla of
Sheridan and stepdaughter Lois
Larnkin of Tillamook; three
I
fills like Riverbend.
Last year Riverbend ac-
cepted several thousand tons of
heavily-contaminated industrial
soil from Washington because
it did not meet their environmen-
tal standards for in-state dis-
posal. One clean-up option up
of Portland's worst EPA
SuperFund site on the Wil-
lamette River is to remove the
heavily -contaminated industrial
sediment, containing DDT and
PCBs, and send it to landfills
(Oregonian, July 15). There is
no way to stop Waste Manage-
ment, a Texas company, from
continuing to seek conlracts for
these types of toxic wastes to
dump at Riverbend. And there
is no incentive for them not to.
Every ton of waste, no matter
the composition, that comes
across their scale is profit on
their bottom line.
Can we stop it? No. Yam-
hill County has ceded nearly all
control of solid waste disposal
to Waste Management. If the
proposed zoning ordinance
change is enacted, Waste Man-
agement will have a ,permit-
ted use" allowing them to ex-
pand indefinitely and operate
independently of the County
governing body. It will also
nullify their bargaining position
with Waste Management re-
garding the $750K revenue
stream that Yamhill County
currently receives and uses for
operating income. Has anyone
thought about this?
Yamhill County Commis-
sioners appear to be focused on
helping one company create a
monopoly over which it will
have absolutely no control.
Why?
If we allow this to happen,
we will have no one to blame
except ourselves.
Susan Meredith
McMinnville
Sheridan Days
volunteers are a
true blessing
To the Editor:
I would like to thank the loyal
Sheridan citizens who so faith-
fully work to keep Sheridan
Days going. It was a privilege
to serve on the Honored Court
for 2011. Something to suggest
would be to have a special place
in the parade for the committees
who work to put this all together.
Would there be anyone to watch
on the sidelines?
Viola Mae Evers Nisly
Newberg
grandchildren and six great-
grandchildren. She was pre-
ceded in death by her husband
Ivan in 1997 and sisters Dor-
othy Clemens, Mary Rothrock,
Arlene Maxim, and Margaret
Morris.
Services were held Aug. 2
at the Chapel of Macy and Son.
Interment was at Fir Crest Cem-
etery in Monmouth, Ore.
To leave private online con-
dolences, please visit
www.macyandson.com.
MORE OBITS I Page 8
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